A study finds that one in four Southern states' residents will ignore government evacuation orders. The top reasons given:

1) They believed their houses were well-built.
2) The roads would be too crowded.
3) They planned to steal their neighbor's shit.

As American contractors prepare to leave, a U.S. Inspector General reports that the reconstruction of Iraq has been riddled with waste, fraud and abuse.

On a positive note, with only eight hours of electricity daily, many Baghdad residents won't receive the news.

The U.S. military is now taking recruits up to age 42. The Pentagon believes it can minimize inappropriate contact between the sexes in the service by adding a large group of men with E.D.

Several newspapers report that Floyd Landis’ second sample has tested positive for synthetic testosterone and he will be banned from the sport of cycling.

Ironically, he will still be allowed to use his bicycle to deliver newspapers.

Elton John is sick of American Bands' style, saying "The tattoos, the piercings, the t-shirts....It's not pretty, it's not pleasant it's not exciting...Please stop it now." Elton John then went on to say "The only accessories a true rock-n-roll star needs are marshmallow moons, stars, horseshoes, pots of gold, rainbows, red balloons and clovers."

 Jesus Christ called a press conference in Malibu, where he announced that he was coming back to earth...... to be Mel Gibsons AA sponsor

A Brazilian couple were charged with the unauthorized practice of medicine after a woman who had liposuction in a blood-stained basement died.

The couple's lawyer defended his clients saying, "These immigrants are doing the illegal basement cosmetic surgeries that American fake doctors won't do."

Producers have decided to make a movie chronicling the life and death of influential Hip–Hop artist, Notorious B.I.G

Everyone is talking about things like hybrid cars and solar panels as ways to save energy and stem the tide of gloabal warming, but these methods are expensive and inconvenient. That's why DailyComedy is offering ways to help the environment that, although almost completely ineffective, aren't overly burdensome.

So here they are, in no particular order: The five least effective ways to combat global warming:

5. Lose the electric toothbrush. The jury is still out on whether electric toothbrushes are better at removing plaque than the old-fashioned kind. So why not save precious electricity and get a light workout at the same time?

4. Try parking in the driveway now and then instead of driving all the way into the garage. When the weather is mild, you can use this technique to save (literally) pennies worth of gas.

3. The less a car weighs, the less power it requires and the more fuel-efficient it is. But even if you drive an SUV, you can still lighten the load by cleaning out all the unnecessary crap. Old maps? Throw them away. Have you ever even looked at that owner's manual? Get rid of it. Those extra ounces are robbing you of vital fuel economy.

2. Ask yourself this, "How important is proper spelling?" Your printer doesn't run on good vibes. It takes old-fashioned electricity to print out extra copies of your document. If a potential employer asks you about all the typos on your resume, just tell him you're doing your part to save Mother Earth.

1. For God's sake, turn off the backlight on your iPod.