I never played sports as a kid. My parents couldn't afford the steroids. I also had a deep fear of becoming popular with girls.

...amid reports of corruption and voter fraud, the UN has sent a delegation to Kabul to verify the Afghanistan elections results.  The UN council found no evidence of tampering or voter fraud and have certified Hamid Karzai as the winner with approximately 115% of the vote. 

Adding to his woes, it seems Fox News Commentator Glenn Beck lost even more adverstisers. Apparently the White Citizens Council, American Nazi Party, KKK, and the National Man Boy Love Association don't want their reputations damaged.

Boston Red Sox hurler Daisuke Matsuzaka allowed five runs in the first inning of a rehab start. That's the worst rehab start since Amy Winehouse.

Coincidentally, a related study finds peak usage of Kleenex tissues is also 11 p.m.

A serial burglar was caught,when he dropped a deuce in a victim's toilet.He forgot to flush,being done in by his own stool pigeon. 

I recently became an atheist. Since I stopped being Jewish, I lost my discount privileges.Being an atheist is almost like being a Jehovah's Witness, except fun. I love it when people tell me I'm going to hell, because it turns into a game of Rock ,Paper,Scissors:

"I'm going to hell?HAH! I don't believe in hell! Atheism trumps hell! Wanna go again?" 

Scientists discovered it at the center of Dick Cheney's heart.  

Why is it when Brett Favre plays with high school kids he's just "staying in shape"... but when I do it I have to register as a sex offender?

Ben and Jerry's, the Vermont based ice cream company is celebrating the states move to approve gay marriage by renaming the popular "Chubby Hubby" as "Hubby Hubby" for the next month.

The ice cream flavor is mostly vanilla , mixed with chocolate covered, peanut butter-filled pretzels, with a peanut butter ripple and filled with fudge.

Nothing says gayer than an ice cream with little tunnels of pretzels filled with peanut butter, brown swirly ripples followed by a fudge packing.

It's no surprise I became a comedian because I come from a family of smart asses.

 I told my dad about my last comedy show and I said "somebody even came up to me after the show just to tell me that I was really funny!"

 His response? "Oh yeah? What else did your mother say to you?"