A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "make me one with everything". 

Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act

or

Helping Incompetent Physicians Assist their Attorneys 

Fortunately for the woman it was a pastrami on rye and not a knuckle sandwich.

 A woman accused of hiding a decaying corpse on her toilet so she could continue collecting her Social Security was convicted of a misdemeanor, a prosecutor said Monday.   Authorities say they will now turn their attention to another possible case of a corpse being used to collect Social Security when Wednesday they question the wife of Larry King.

Via AP News 

Early Saturday MORNING, a 24 year old mother was stopped for speeding and found to be drunk.  She had her one year old in the car with her, so police called relatives to come pick the kid up.  Later that AFTERNOON comes the boy's father... problem was.... he was drunk.  So police called in the grandparents, and guess what folks... they were drunk too.. but luckily the grandma was still under the legal limit and deemed tipsy but safe, so the police escorted them home, and they lived happily ever after.  You can always count on grandma to be the responsible one.

You know you watch too much television when you see a comerical and say...

"Oh! That's the short version of that comerical."

I just received a junk mail in my inbox that said, "Learn to read today!" Great idea! I'll read my e-mails instead of what I usually do - stare cluelessly at the pretty Hotmail screen. Once I'm literate, I'll be able to read the scripts when I record my podcasts for the deaf.

They should get that message out with a mass e-mail.

I was dragged to one of these prayers around the flag pole that the nut jobs did in my hometown and this one kid kept going on and on about what God was thinking and he took up ten minutes. Im like, here’s what God’s thinking. Shut up!

A former classmate of mine just got married and every message she puts on facebook pertains to her new husband. One said, "I am going to a young marrieds group at my church. What a blessing!" This was one hundred and one of one hundred and one of these. So I wrote, "I am going to a young singles group at my pagan temple. What a blessing! We are also sacrificing a virgin. Any takers."