On NBC's "Meet the Press," Dick Cheney said, "If we had to do it over again, we'd do exactly the same thing."

"Same here!" said Osama bin Laden.

The 75 scholars who call themselves The 9/11 for Truth Movement have long said that Osama Bin Laden was not involved in the World Trade Center attack.

Now, they have settled on a main suspect—Jason Bourne's girlfriend.

"I don't believe she died in that sequel," said Ray Griffin, emeritus professor at Claremont University, "Why would they kill her off like that, at the very beginning? She was the best part of the first one."

Professor Ian Neal, who helped form the British chapter of the group, agreed. "What was she even doing for a living before she met Jason Bourne?" said Neal, "just driving around Europe in that little car of hers? I don't think so. Gas is $7 a gallon over here."

Neal admitted that he did not see the film when it came out, but it recently arrived in the mail from Netflix. "I don't even remember putting it in my queue," he said. "That alone got the hairs on my neck up."

The group, while fairly confident of their new theory, said to rest assured that their quest for the truth would not stop there. "I still have my suspicions about that 'Dude, you're getting a Dell' guy," said professor Griffin. "He was everywhere, and then... nowhere. Do they think we are not paying attention?"

These experts are as dumb as the rocks he is hiding under!

Al Qaeda's No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahiri, condemned the U.S. in a new video, accusing our country of stealing oil.

"We must focus on stopping the theft of the Muslim-plundered petrol," he said.

Petrol?

Oh, I know who you are, Zawahiri, you're one of those guys who spends a little time in England, and then you get all British on everybody. I suppose when you have friends over they come to your "flat." Do you guys sit down for tea and crumpets? Smashing. Do you go to the "loo?" If someone has a car bomb with them, do you suggest they just "put it in the boot?"

You know what? You're not fooling anybody, Ayman al-Cheerio. Why don't you trim that beard and get yourself a tweed coat and a pipe. Knock back a few pints with Richard Harris and Peter O'Toole. Share a bag of "crisps." Then we'll talk.

On Friday, a Senate panel announced they are unable to find a link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda. "However," said one Senator, "we are very close to finding our balls."

Dick Cheney, when asked about how he feels about the decline in oil price.

U.S. retail gas prices dropped nearly 22 cents a gallon in the past two weeks, the second decline in a row since a mid-August peak, according to a survey released Sunday.

Some industry experts predict gas prices will drop in direct proportion to how well Congress fares in upcoming election polls.

Translation:  We'll have 3 cent-a-gallon gas on November 1.

On the anniversary of 9/11, former Clinton aides are outraged over the docu-drama that aired on ABC.  The "film" placed partial blame at the feet of then President Bill Clinton.

"We aren't in support of a jaded film that does nothing but spew lies and half-truths."

  "Well, except this one."

On Sunday, Al Gore said he hasn’t ruled out another Presidential bid.

"We have," replied America.