To stay true to the spirit of the film, the Academy has agreed that if it wins Best Picture, it will win it as the first award of the evening, while winning an unimportant technical category to close the night.

New study shows cats can develop Alzheimer's. 

Scientists suspected a link when they moved a scratching post and found three years worth of New York Times and old bingo cards hidden behind it.

LOS ANGELES, CA--Nicole Kidman has been named the highest paid actress by The Hollywood Reporter on Wednesday. The Oscar-winning actress is said to make up to $17 million per movie. Ms. Kidman celebrated the exciting news by trying to move her face.

US COMICS RISE IN ANGER OVER AL-QUAIDA TAPE MOCKING BUSH

HOLLYWOOD. U.S. comedians, long suspected of pervasive liberal bias for their stinging critiques of the Bush administration, today reversed course and denounced al-Quaida deputy Ayman al-Zawahri for a videotape in which he mocked the President's plan to send additional troops to Iraq.

Comedian at Catch a Rising Star.

"That guy has got a lot of nerve," said Colin Wayne, a veteran of the stand-up circuit with an appearance on The Tonight Show to his credit. "Mocking Bush is our job," he noted angrily. "I don't remember seeing al-Zawahri at 'Catch a Rising Star' or 'Total Improv'," two clubs where wannabe comedians sharpen their chops as they dream of the big time.

al-Zawahri:  "When I found out Bush went to Harvard and Yale, I didn't feel so bad that my son only got in to Afghanistan State."

Other comics said al-Zawahri's taped appearance was an example of the globalization issue hitting home for them. "For years we've been insulated while foreigners took good jobs away from hard-working Americans," said Andy Horowitz between sets at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles. "Most comedians barely scrape by until they get a cable show or a major disease telethon."

"I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for reuniting Martin & Lewis!"

The al-Qaida tape, which is circulating on the internet, shows al-Zawahri opening his act for an audience at an undisclosed location with a variation on an old one-liner: "I just flew in from Cairo--and boy are my arms tired." He then launches into a series of attacks on President Bush, such as "When I found out Bush went to Harvard and Yale, I didn't feel so bad that my son only got into Afghanistan State." The al-Qaida deputy closes with the familiar "Thank you, I'll be here all week! Be sure and tip your waiters but not your waitresses. You can stone them for leaving their homes and working."

"The hours are good, but the tips are lousy."

al-Qaida leaders say they dream of someday seeing a member of their group hosting the Academy Awards or reaching the finals of "Last Comic Standing", but they realize they will be up against some of the top comedians in the world as they try to infiltrate the U.S. funny business. "It will be hard for us to break in," admits al-Zawahri. "Everybody knows the Jews control the American comedy industry."

Copyright 2007, Con Chapman

The makers of Dove Soap have announced a contest in which users are asked to create and submit ads for the new Dove Cream Oil Body Wash due to hit stores next month.

Winners will have their commercials shown during the Academy Awards.  Winners will also be expected to do the taxes and pay for groceries for the company's marketing employees.

Unilever takes top position in soap market when they realize bigger people use more soap

Freeman, known to most for his syrupy-sweet drawling voice, has narrated and acted in many highly acclaimed films. To hear Freeman grunting about the size of his genitals, and pleading for his partner to engage in certain sexual acts, is startling. A simple Google search for ‘Morgan Freeman sex tape’ will take internet users right to a download.

“How old is he anyways?” asked college student Tyrus Cobb, who watched the video. “It was like watching my granddad bang a retired hooker.” Freeman’s sex partner appears to be an older fan, perhaps a mistress. Her hair is graying, and she cannot accommodate several sex positions requested by Freeman.

It is yet to be seen how this scandal will affect Freeman’s storied career. Other movie stars plagued by public sex scandals have varying degrees of success. Paris Hilton eventually signed a distribution deal for her sex video, and reaped millions. Freeman’s agent could not confirm, nor deny, that they would take the same path.

“We’ll have to see how the public reacts to the tape. I’ve seen it, and I think Morgan did some great work,” said Freeman’s accountant John Frunce. “For a man of his age to pull off some of those moves is truly amazing, and speaks volumes about his range as an actor.”

The Police will reunite to perform at this year's Grammy awards, the Recording Academy announced Tuesday. The award-winning group, which won five Grammys and turned out hits such as "Roxanne" and "Every Breath You Take," will open the event, 23 years after breaking up amid internal conflict.

A spokesperson for the Recording Academy said this should ensure the Grammy awards' rich history of confusing young people.

HOLIDAY PARTY DO'S AND DON'T'S

         The holiday season is upon us, which means that office parties are right around the corner.  Many careers have crashed and burned as a result of inappropriate behavior ‘neath the office Christmas tree/menorah/Kwanzaa thingy, so here are a few tips to make sure you still have a job come New Year’s Eve:

Do bring something to place in the “Toys for Tots” bin.  Atlanta gift consultant Marnie Updegrove says it is perfectly acceptable to “regift” a waffle iron or Dustbuster that you received last year on an impoverished child.  “For many children, the soothing hum of a small appliance or hand-held vacuum brings more happiness than they can imagine, unless their no-count mother practices her exotic dancing routines in front of them.”

"Noth now thweetie, Mommy's pwacticing."

Don’t get all atheist on everybody.  When your boss wishes you “Merry Christmas”, keep your opinions to yourself rather than saying “I don’t see what’s so ‘merry’ about a religion that used thumbscrews on rabbis during the Spanish Inquisition!”—unless you’ve already received your bonus check.

"Okay--I'll switch from Hebrew National to Oscar Mayer Weiners!"

Do celebrate the season:  Nobody likes a Gloomy Gus or Gertie who’s worried about whether Acme Widget gets that rush shipment of gadgets on Christmas Eve!  Drop what you’re doing even if you’re facing an overnight deadline and get over to the bar or hotel where others are celebrating.  They must want you there or you wouldn’t have been invited—assuming you were.

"Bob from the supply room was right--the Glue Stick Dance is fun!"

Don’t take hostages:  Challenger Corp., a Chicago-based employment consultant, says holiday-related hostage situations are up 3.6% over the last two years, a fact that they attribute to a low unemployment rate.  “Both salaried and hourly workers are feeling empowered, which accounts for the spike in cloak-room standoffs,” says consultant John Ervin.  If you must hold someone against his or her will, make sure you pick someone from a lower pay grade than yours.

"Is that a peppermint stick in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

Do open up your heart to your co-workers—it’s the “reason for the season”!  If you’ve imagined Phyllis in accounting dressed in rubber underwear every time you submit your expense report—let her know how festive she looks in her red clingy knit sweater with the poinsettia corsage positioned directly above her left baby-feeder!  Before you begin to nibble, however, remember that this plant is toxic for pets, and thus can’t be good for humans.

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman