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 Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O'Neal was released after her arraignment at a Manhattan courtroom Monday stemming from her weekend arrest for allegedly buying crack cocaine.
She denied this accusation by crying out that all of her crack is clearly labeled "Happy Birthday Addie" from her aunt Helen in Wichita.
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi. I’m Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O’Neal. I was arrested Sunday night after being seen buying crack cocaine near my home in Manhattan. I’ve struggled with addiction for a long time, and I think I really need your help now. What advice do you have for me?
Dear Tatum,
You don’t necessarily have to give up crack. All you have to do is start buying your crack farther away from your home. Consider yourself lucky to be a New Yorker: There are plenty of helpful, reputable vendors all over town. Start with the phone book or the local Zagat guide to crack-buying. And don’t feel like your celebrity status means you have to go to five-star pushers. When you’re buying crack, you really don’t need top-notch valet service.
There is a rich tradition of outsiders visiting ghetto areas to buy drugs, so your arrest could mean it’s time to make your first junkie pilgrimage and experience the spiritual side of crack addiction. On these pilgrimages, all of the area’s fiends awake at sunrise and face east for their morning shakes. Then, they shamble through the streets until they see the sign that they have reached their mecca: a pair of shoes dangling from a power line.
When you see the dangling shoes — a crack addict’s North Star — you’ll know that your dealer is near. And when you’ve had your first group stupor, elbow-to-elbow with your fellow junkies, you’ll understand the meaning of all the previous day’s fasting and prayer and twitching. You’ll truly know what it means to be a crackhead.
The Star Savior
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Academy Award-winning actress Tatum O'Neal was arrested this past weekend for allegedly buying crack cocaine.
According to a police spokesman, she used her one phone call to contact her agent, to whom she stated "See? I can too get arrested in this town."
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Tatum O'Neal was arrested in New York over the weekend for buying crack cocaine. The misdemeanor charge moves the Oscar winning actress out of contention for Celebrity Apprentice and closer to Celebrity Rehab.
see more at :www.jerrywolski.com
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PHILADELPHIA - Perhaps the analogy was inevitable: Hillary Rodham Clinton as Rocky Balboa, the scrappy underdog boxer from Philadelphia memorably depicted in the 1976 Oscar-winning film. Some say it's because Rocky did lose his first big fight. I think it's because her face looks like a large black man hit her.
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 Dear Star Savior,
Hi.
I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I
used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade
benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?
Dear Helen,
It's
great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really
needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity
endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it
calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of
Nazis associated with addicts going clean.
In
fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened
a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf
Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first
drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It
helped him find his calling.
It's
good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a
responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the
link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let
the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason.
It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how
crackheads stay so trim.
You
should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their
business information on their crack packs, right next to the
nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might
resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started
labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?
Junkies
deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward
non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop
coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going
to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.
The Star Savior
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