Former Yankee infielder Tom Tresh has died at the age of 71. His passing is particularly devastating since he would have been a huge upgrade over Robinson Cano.

To my fellow New Yorkers and Yankee fans, please accept my deepest apologies. The events of this past Wednesday are my fault.

It seems that after a few tequilas and an ill-advised viewing of "License to Drive," I asked God to please kill Corey Feldman.

I don't know what to say...except that I am done with T-Mobile.

What: Seven day cruise.
Where: Bermuda and The Bahamas.
Who: Here are the five vacationers:

Sister: Married three years. Mom to 16-month-old. Pregnant again. Vomits multiple times a day and tells the rest of us about it, like us boys care. Husband doesn’t speak. We think it’s by choice or maybe he can’t get a word in. Good mom except that she shuts off the lights and hides in the cabin’s bathroom as a ploy to force the baby to fall asleep. Moral: Deceive your kids to get them to do what you want. Some day the kid is gonna hide her medication. She thinks she’s really smart. She picked this ship. The food sucked. That’s right, she picked a cruise ship with food that sucked which is virtually impossible. I saw fat people on the deck crying after one lunch. Then the genius put my cabin adjoining her cabin so the baby could wake me and Dad up at 6 a.m.! Thanks genius. Next time she wants me to do something for her, I’m gonna hide in the bathroom when the phone rings.

Brother-in-law: Good egg. Very patient. Well, he did marry my sister. Will go along with brother-in-law hijinks. Says like, ten words a day. You know the phrase, Speak when spoken to? He’s the guy. At dinner, if there’s silence, don’t expect him to be livening things up: “Hey, how about that Kim Jong, what a character!” Forget it. He will talk baby-talk to the baby. Sometimes I’m kind of afraid that’s all he knows. You get better dialogue out of the GPS in your car. Grew up on a farm. Loves meat. Looks like he’s in good shape—but could be dead by 40 from clogged arteries—from all the meat. Also loves Diet Coke. Meat and Diet Coke. Nice diet. Probably hasn’t taken a good dump since 1982.

Dad: 81-years-old. Last summer, quadruple bypass surgery. Gets tired fast doing anything, with the exception of asking when I’m getting married. For this he has the strength and vitality of Samson on Viagra. Cannot see so well, but if there’s a gin game, he kills you so bad, you’ll think he’s wearing X-ray-vision glasses and can see your cards. Can’t hear so well, unless I’m sneaking into the cabin at 1 a.m. Then he’s got better hearing than The Bionic Man. Never ever sleeps well. Ever. Not one day in 81 years. Funny thing though, we go to the movies, out cold. We sit on the deck, out cold. I wake up in the middle of the night, he’s snoring like Rip Van Winkle. “How’d ya sleep Dad?” “Terribly.” Yeah, okay.

Nephew: Age: 16 months. Says like three words (which is three more than his daddy). The words are Meps, Bep, and Bop. Occasionally you’ll get a Grandpa and a Mama out of him. I jokingly called him Meps and then got yelled at because my sister thinks that the baby will think his name is Meps. Apparently he’s a little slow too. I think Meps means, “I see you hiding in the bathroom, stupid face.” ALWAYS gets his way. He eats, we eat. He sleeps, Mom and Dad sleep. Uncle Lenny is sooooo onto him. He can’t even walk and he’s calling the shots. I’m this close to putting itchy powder in his diaper. Likes to point and smile for no reason. I’m telling you, he’s deranged.

Lenny: Anti-social comedian. Lives on Yankees baseball and potato chips—neither of which you could find on the cruise. Loves his family but may commit suicide if he vacations alone with them again. Left alone after family eats at 6pm and goes to sleep at 9pm. Definitely relaxed on the trip because he did NOTHING. Forced to watch "Fun with Dick and Jane" in the ship's cinema. Review: No fun with either. Likes the dilapidated, chachke-selling islands like he likes the French. Hugged the doorman when he returned to Manhattan. Thrilled to have a pillow not made out of iron.

Junk mail has really gotten out of hand in the holiday season. Not only do I throw away enough catalogs that probably were made using enough natural resources that would make Al Gore cry, but now families send me their yearly wrap up review in a letter! This is SUCH is woman thing. Oh I’m sexist? Then why do all of the guy spouses call and apologize for sending it?

            Fine you want a yearly review – here’s mine.

Dear everyone who is really bored and slightly nosey,

            Another awesome year for Lenny Marcus kids. Lets see. ’06 started with a surprise right away - In January Lenny got his first hemorrhoid! Wow, that was a surprise! He thought he was dying. I mean it’s not every day you think a little man is growing out of your ass, no matter how many horror films you watch. Then in February Lenny had a date. I know crazy! Then in March, Lenny performed at the Aspen comedy festival. Memories include: Having great sets and nobody caring, a twenty seven hour trip back to New York, and a lot of snow. One of the heads of the festival did send me a fleece jacket though – SWEET! Could have used it when I was sleeping on the floor in the airport due to a blizzard the day I left after missing the last connecting flight out of Denver. Thanks United Airlines! In April Lenny went to Opening Day at Yankees stadium. He also decided not to observe Passover for the first time ever as the Matzoh bread will prevent proper bowel movements until June. The summer was awesome. Lenny had a great start to the softball season and the Gotham Monday team excelled to a 8-2 start. Then Lenny hurt his groin and cried after every game for a month. Lenny began writing and shooting films for Daily Comedy.com that nobody ever reads or watches. Lenny’s bitcom, Superstar Talent has been seen by over 3 people, and is a big hit with his sister! Fall, as always, is Lenny’s busy season – it began with the Yankees choking and ends with the Giants sucking. Highlights for the year include: He performed on 300+ shows and nobody knows who he is, another Letterman audition (getting closer stop asking), and he only paid $9 on his federal tax return.

            Lenny wishes you all joy and happiness (except Mel Gibson).

Happy Holidays everyone.

Alex Rodriguez has said his time in Colorado gave him the opportunity to rethink things, recommit himself and understand his responsibility to his teammates and his team. In other words, his hotel room didn't have a mirror.

It was reported last week that the plane flown by the Yankees’ pitcher, Cory Lidle, crashed into the apartment of the woman who was injured in the Macy’s Day Parade in ’97, when a light pole crashed on top of her.

And amazingly, last year, she was almost electrocuted to death when lightning struck a shark that was biting her hand holding the winning lottery ticket.

As Bush gives his speech at the UN on Tuesday, the Iraqi delegates check the score of the Yankee game.

 New York City will celebrate the Yankees' 27th World Series title with a celebration parade today.  Parade confetti will consist of ticker tape, newspaper, and shredded Mets' season tickets.  

A study on how emotions cloud memories found that Red Sox fans have fuzzy memories about the historic 2004 ALCS victory over the Yankees.

You mean my cherished memory of George Steinbrenner dressed in drag, wearing a pink Red Sox cap, curled in a fetal position behind the pitcher's mound, chanting "UNCLE!" over and over again didn't really happen?