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The funniest Sports jokes from this month last year:
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New Jersey Nets forward Richard Jefferson was arrested for grabbing a man's neck. Jefferson was livid when the man mistakenly thought he played for the Knicks. Which fits, because the Knicks are used to choking.
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The New York Knicks won there third straight basketball game last night by defeating the New Jersey Nets. When asked for a comment, Coach Thomas said, ”We did, damn, I spent the whole game checking the Net’s cheerleaders and text messaging with Anita Hill.”
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Nets center Nenad Krstic is trying to decide between playing in Russia or New Jersey. The choice is between playing in a socially backwards, culturally depraved wasteland and playing in Russia.
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 In addition to my job at the Late Show, I also work part-time for New Jersey Nets Basketball as an Entertainment Coordinator. And last night, I was working the Nets / Knicks game at the Meadowlands, and while Knicks guard Steve Francis was walking back to the locker room, a little white kid asked for an autograph, but Francis declined saying he was late for a team meeting. So the kid shouts to Francis, "You suck, Chocolate Face." Again the kid said, "You Suck, CHOCOLATE FACE" to an NBA All-Star. The kid later told me he's a big fan of Imus in the Morning.
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After playing all 82 games last season in the last year of his contract, Vince Carter of the New Jersey Nets sprained his right ankle this week and will be sidelined indefinitely. Doctors believe the injury is an aggravation of an injury Carter sustained the day after he signed a four-year guaranteed $65 million contract over the summer, a condition the doctors officially diagnosed as "lack of motivation syndrome".
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Your search for "LUXURY APARTMENT LISTINGS" has produced this option: MANHATTAN EYE STOPPER!
In the heart of Manhattan, situated perfectly between the West Village and an unknown crater on what we think may be one of Jupiter's moons (possibly Ganymede), lies a unique apartment community that brings the best of New York right to your doorstep, which itself can be found on the roof. Great apartments, sun drenched (by star cluster NGC6940), and lots of very, very interesting stairs, not to mention all the hands drawing themselves you could ever want. And all at a location that's exactly where you want to be, as long as that location does not lie on an X-Y-Z axis point. So if you enjoy hallways that turn into ceilings, doorways which lead to balconies overlooking the underside of the stairs you took to get to that doorway, and hardwood floors... ...then this "relativistically" baroque, multidimensional non-Euclidian pre-war apartment could be for you.
Come home to the elegance of literally impossibly high ceilings, marble fireplaces, and a 6 bedroom appointment (two bedrooms are upside down, one sideways left, one sideways right, three right side up but which all share the same side of one door, and one which is, as the owner puts it, "outside of itself"). Utilities Included: Heat, Gas, Water, and Electric. Gravity is negotiable. And trash is picked up two days before you are to drop it off (Tuesday).
PREVIOUS OWNER'S NOTES: Constant Velocity is not guaranteed in orientation transferrance junctures, so, for example, walk slowly when moving from wall to stairs or vice versa. Also, water in this apartment tends to not take the shape of its container. Either the container or sometimes you will take the shape of it. Taking a bath is still preferable to attempting to shower however, since the water tends to arrive at inconvenient locations, like the Civil War era or black holes. Magnets don't work. AND BE WARNED! There are a lot of stairs. This is not a good apartment for the elderly or those with heart conditions or anyone uncomfortable arriving in a location underneath the thing they are on top of. The one thing you'll never need worry about is storage space. I have been using the same 4 X 6 ft closet to store everything for years now. And I mean "everything" as in "everything I own." I park my car in that closet. Over 60,000 books, a pony, and several heaths from some Scottish property are in there. My last apartment is also stored there. (I am renting that out as well to anyone willing to risk disappearing forever. Reasonably priced.)
Call ESCHER UNREALTY today to visit this location(s). Sick bags provided.
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...now that Pluto's been shitcanned. First, a few from the sun outward:
Milli Vanilli 'Entertainment' Makes Joe Satriani Upchuck Noisily
Most Vampires Enjoy Moo Juice Sucking, Unlike Nosferatu
Molestation Vote Expected; Michael Jackson Shuts Up Neverland
Muddy Vixens Entertain Men Jiggling Singles Under Noses
Militant Vietnamese's Excellent Mary Jane Soothes United Nations
More Viewers Expect 'Malfunction'; Janet Says, 'Uh... No'
Maxed-out Visa Explained; Mexican Jailbait Stripper Uncovered Nethers
My Valet Enjoys Masturbation; Jetta Stains Unbelievably Nasty
And now, a few heading toward that big white ball in the sky (and no, I'm not talking about Tom Arnold's ass on a ladder):
Nosy Uncle Sam Just Might Eavesdrop Voice Mails
Nonstop Unfettered Sausage Jerking Might Eradicate Vision, Man!
Newman Unhands Seinfeld's Junior Mints; Elaine Voraciously Munches
Naughty Uncensored Sex Jokes Make Embarassed Virgins Mad
'NattyLight' Usually Satisfies Jesus; Moses Expects Vodka Martinis
Nubile Uninhibited Swedes Jumpstart My Engines Very Much
News: Uptight Star Jones Messily Eats Van Morrison!
Never Underestimate Strip Joint's Most Entertaining Virtue: Mammaries
Who says astronomy can't be fun? If just one kid in kindergarten learns the planets with one of these aids, then I'll have done my job. I'll be going to jail, most likely, but I'll have done my job. I'm just trying to give back.
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VENDING MACHINES EASE STRESS OF ADOPTION FOR HARRIED COUPLES DOWNERS GROVE, Illinois. For Mark and Amy Larkin, the adoption of a six month-old infant from Ecuador whom they named "Matthew" was a dream come true. "When the doctor told us we would never have children, I really thought our marriage would end," Amy says with tears forming in her eyes. "Little Mattie changed all that." 
Matthew
What the Larkins didn't enjoy about the adoption process was the amount of stress involved. 
Ecuadorian hotel room.
"Adoption is a very inefficient process from the purchaser's point of view," says Mark, a venture capitalist who specializes in the retail sector. "You have to fly to some god-forsaken country, hole up in a hotel room for weeks and pay 'baksheesh' to everybody and their dog," he says with an air of frustration. "I swore I would find a way to make it simpler and more customer-friendly." 
VISA and Mastercard accepted.
So Mark has raised $6 million to fund a new company that dispenses orphans through vending machines in grocery stores, shopping centers and other high-traffic locations. "We stick them in a glass box where prospective parents can literally look them over before plunking down" fees that can run into the low five-figures. "For the unwanted offspring of an English professor and one of his female students at a prestigious liberal arts college, we would probably charge somewhere in the neighborhood of $15,000, before the mail-in rebate," Larkin says. The machines accept payment only by major credit card, leaving new parents with heavy consumer debt but much lighter hearts. 
"If you really want to understand Shakespeare's sonnets, you should come over to my place for private tutoring."
Acceptance of the streamlined process has been good, he says, except among those with a vested interest in the old way of doing things. "Adoption agencies are really just toll-takers," he says, "and the whole point is to cut out the middle man." His opinion of adoption lawyers is somewhat harsher. "They're the scum of the earth, if I can say that without offending any actual scum." 
An added bonus.
Prospective parents seem delighted by the ability to see and hear, if not hug, the new additions to their families before they buy. "We went to three different malls before we decided on Chloe," says Janet Olson as she hugs a little girl with hazel eyes and a winning smile. "A SpongeBob SquarePants plush toy came down the chute with her, so it really was our lucky day."
Copyright 2006, Con Chapman
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