Millions of Americans simultaneously stricken with hysterical blindness.

A China university has built the world's largest earthquake simulator.  The second largest earthquake simulator is Kirstie Alley.

DeGeneres was picked even though she has no formal music training.  In related news, Kirstie Alley was chosen to be a judge on  "America's Next Top Model."

Chocolate maker Nestle announced Monday that it will purchase weight loss product maker Jenny Craig Inc. for $600 million.

The large investment is an attempt to further Nestle’s health and wellness programs, as well as the latest chess move in a continuing effort by big business to ensure that Jenny Craig spokeswoman Kirstie Alley remains fat.

Following in the footsteps of Angelina Jolie and Madonna, today Kirstie Alley adopted "Little Debbie."

4 New York City firefighters were forced by the city to close their firehouse and bathe a dirty Ringling Brothers circus elephant yesterday.  (Insert "Kirstie Alley personal assistant joke" here.)

As a result of a friendship struck up between Kirstie Alley and Kevin Federline, there are reports of major shortages of double stuffed Oreos.

A white, frigid mass that keeps getting bigger and bigger--scientists have named the glacier Kirstie Alley.

Cesar Millan, the famous Dog Whisperer, is filming a new show that will let him use his world reknown dog discipline skills on people that are in desperate need of weight loss.

His first scheduled guest will be Kirstie Alley.

Cesar Millan is the Hog Whisperer.

...Kirstie Alley, after blowing her diet & gaining 77 lbs, will be featured in a new prime time reality show this fall.  Join 16 contestants as they try their luck & skills on "Survivor: Kirstie Alley." 

Airport Security discovered a large amount of crack under Kirsties dress during routine search.  ack!!She denied it was hers.While Kirstie was  being searched Oprah slipped by unnoticed.