A severely brain-damaged woman in an unresponsive, vegetative state showed clear signs on brain imaging tests that she was aware of herself and her surroundings, researchers reported today.

When they are done studying Jessica Simpson, the researchers plan to study Anna Nicole Smith, Keith Richards and the mysterious consciousness of Paris Hilton.

A flute carved more than 35,000 years ago has been discovered in Germany. Scientists believe it is the world's oldest musical instrument. The vulture-bone flute was found in the Hohle Fels cave of southern Germany, and its authenticity was confirmed after Keith Richards remembered playing the flute during a Stones concert 20,000 years ago. 

Actress Mackenzie Phillips has entered rehab for a tenth time. That's two more than Ozzy Osborne and only thirty-seven behind Keith Richards. 

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Keith Richards has been cast to portray Captain Jack Sparrow's (Johnny Depp) father in the third "Pirates of the Carribean" movie, in a move welcomed by everyone except the screenwriter who replied, "How the HELL do I write dialogue for someone who mumbles incoherently?" The studio added to the challenge by casting Bob Dylan as Sparrow's uncle.

A suspicious white powder has been discovered hidden in a shipment of dictionaries.

“Nosey” workers spotted the unprincipled packets — which were headed for Madrid, Spain — at a post office in the Dominican Republic. Officials from the National Drug Control Agency intercepted them and found “a white powder that appears to be cocaine,” sewn into the lining of the books. Wasting no time, the NDCA called in Special Agent Keith Richards, who quickly confirmed the substance to indeed be booger sugar.

This is the third time in two months that drugs have been found sewn into book covers or cards bound for Spain from the Caribbean nation, prompting President Barack Obama to include the Dominican Republic on his list of 20 major drug producers. 

Not surprisingly, Amy Winehouse continues to hold the top spot on his list of 20 major drug consumers.

Keith Richards underwent brain surgery on Monday to remove a blood clot. Richards is not expected to recover to full mental capacity—just to what he had before.