On Monday, four military newspapers- Army Times, Air Force Times, Navy Times and Marine Corps Times will call for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld.

"Guess what bitches," said Rumsfeld, "I still got the Coast Guard Gazette."

Rumsfeld, Cheney frantically search for receipt.

A double amputee Iraq war vet was mugged outside a restaurant. According to a police officer, the thieves stole the Marine's arm and leg.

"Oops," he said, correcting himself, "that was Rumsfeld. The thieves took $500."

Rocket Engineer John Wickman has just received a $730,000 grant to develop a new type of rocket motor.  Shocked by the reporters’ dumbfounded reaction to the term ‘pintle nozzle,’ a frustrated Wickman exclaimed “c’mon, man, it’s not rocket science! Oh wait, yes it is,” then proceeded to describe the directional control it provides.  

Married women across the US who are tired of cleaning pee out of hard-to-reach toilet crevices are awaiting a scaled-down residential application.

Secretary of State Rumsfeld has given the project a high priority rating.  This new nozzle will give us more accurate missiles, which we need because despite the gigantic glasses, Kim Jong Il is still a very small target.

Embattled Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, who’s being asked to step down for his handling of the war in Iraq has undergone surgery for a torn rotator cuff.

Rumsfeld refused anesthesia, requesting instead that during the operation he wear a hood, his testicles be hooked up to a car battery and rabid German Shepherds try to eat his ass.

Donald Rumsfeld announced that since he's no longer employed, he'll try to get some Christmas shopping done. Well, he plans on going into a mall, but he has no idea how or when he'll get out.

In unusually explicit terms, Rumsfeld portrayed the administration's critics as suffering from "moral or intellectual confusion" about what threatens the nation's security and accused them of lacking the courage to fight back

He said, for example, that more media attention was given to U.S. soldiers' abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib than to the fact that Sgt. 1st Class Paul Ray Smith received the Medal of Honor.

Even Bush was sitting there saying, "he did not just say that, did he?"

Bush tells Rumsfeld, "sorry, dude, you'll have to crash somewhere else."

President Bush conceded that "right now it's tough" for American forces in Iraq.

Donald Rumsfeld then added, "That's just 'right now'. Tomorrow we'll be winning again."