A double amputee Iraq war vet was mugged outside a restaurant. According to a police officer, the thieves stole the Marine's arm and leg.

"Oops," he said, correcting himself, "that was Rumsfeld. The thieves took $500."

Rocket Engineer John Wickman has just received a $730,000 grant to develop a new type of rocket motor.  Shocked by the reporters’ dumbfounded reaction to the term ‘pintle nozzle,’ a frustrated Wickman exclaimed “c’mon, man, it’s not rocket science! Oh wait, yes it is,” then proceeded to describe the directional control it provides.  

Married women across the US who are tired of cleaning pee out of hard-to-reach toilet crevices are awaiting a scaled-down residential application.

Secretary of State Rumsfeld has given the project a high priority rating.  This new nozzle will give us more accurate missiles, which we need because despite the gigantic glasses, Kim Jong Il is still a very small target.

Embattled Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, who’s being asked to step down for his handling of the war in Iraq has undergone surgery for a torn rotator cuff.

Rumsfeld refused anesthesia, requesting instead that during the operation he wear a hood, his testicles be hooked up to a car battery and rabid German Shepherds try to eat his ass.

In unusually explicit terms, Rumsfeld portrayed the administration's critics as suffering from "moral or intellectual confusion" about what threatens the nation's security and accused them of lacking the courage to fight back

He said, for example, that more media attention was given to U.S. soldiers' abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib than to the fact that Sgt. 1st Class Paul Ray Smith received the Medal of Honor.

Even Bush was sitting there saying, "he did not just say that, did he?"

Senator Hillary Clinton Says that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld should resign from his post.

In other news, George Bush was called an ineffective leader and Condileeza Rice was said to be of African-American descent. Stay tuned for more 'Yeah bitch, we knew that already' news updates. 

The top United States’ general defended Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, by saying, “He leads in a way that the good Lord tells him his best for our country.”  He later added, “Also the good Lord doesn’t like innocent Iraqi civilians very much.”

Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld tearfully announced he will not resign, citing support from President Bush and threats of being shot in the face from Cheney.

"I'm scared shitless of that guy" the Secretary said.

Retired military officers are set to testify before Congress that secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is incompetent.

Congress is set to reply, "We'd love to help, but so are we. "

    In a worsening Iraq conflict that continues to erode support for President Bush and put more American lives in danger, recent news suggests that secretarian violence is on the rise.

    Last week in Baghdad, an administrative assistant set off a dirty bomb consisting of 20 pounds of White-Out and two boxes of Swingline staples.  The blast injured three guys from the mailroom.

    Three days later, on the other side of town, apprentice secretary Shahmoud Abouday stabbed four coworkers with a letter opener, killing all of them and severly damaging the office supply.

    When asked about the situation, Donald Rumsfeld replied, "It's unfortunate, the loss of life, but each of these assistants also had a huge stack of work on their desks that will never get done."

 According to the Associated Press, a high calorie diet combined with prison life is producing some corpulent combatants, forcing Rumsfeld to rethink his torture strategy.

(Shown: Donald Rumsfeld giving reporters a visual of the latest form of torture: Man-boob groping

(Shown: hordes of angry pakistani demonstrators venting their hatred of the evil culprit behind the current weight problem at Gitmo)