Kanye West interrupted to say that the Loch Ness Monster was a much better hoax.

I just saw the film Paranormal Activity. Man, it was scarier than the ticket prices!

In the film, a young couple are haunted by what they believe to be a demon. But here's the twist- it's a creditor.

At one point, the male lead gets macho about how he's not letting a demon mess with his girl. Really? What'cha gonna do? Jump him outside a bar with 5 of your buddies?

What's the difference between Goodyear tires and the Oakland Raiders? Normally, Goodyears don't suffer blow outs only on Sunday afternoons in autumn..

   After 2-packs-a-day for more years than I care to remember, I finally swore off cigarettes.

   One week later, I was startled when this stranger at a bus-stop asked me if I had recently given up smoking.

   "That's right," I replied.  "How did you know?"

   "Got a notion," he explained, smiling, "when you ground out your gum wrapper with your shoe." 

If the artist ever wants to move to the United States, he will find plenty of manure in Washington to sculpt every member of Congress.

Unemployment is now 10.2 percent. How bad is the economy? The economy is so bad that Archie is pimping Betty AND Veronica. The economy is so bad that people are using the DMV as a portrait studio. The economy is so bad the former Miss USA, Carrie Prejean, had to pawn her implants. The economy is so bad, Donald Trump had to fire himself. The economy is so bad, the Three Little Pigs can't afford to get swine flu. The economy is so bad, the GEICO caveman ate the GEICO Gecko. The economy is so bad, Madonna adopted a baby from Detroit.

President Barack Obama signed a joint resolution of the Senate and the House that made Casimir Pulaski an honorary citizen, 230 years after the Polish nobleman died fighting for the American colonies against the British.   In a statement released today, Senator John McCain said, "It was a privilege and honor for me to fight along side this brave man."

So yeah..... the new Mickey Mouse look they've made for the upcoming Wii game....makes him look like he's on a  2-day bender and is looking for an 8-ball at 3:00AM

 A South Carolina woman developed amnesia after having sex. Damn, if only I had that luck.

The suspect in the Fort Hood murders apparently had “financial woes.” Wow, blow the heads off a bunch of people. That’s one way to get the creditors off your back.

...a man who had sex with a horse was sentenced to 3 years in prison.  Man denied doing anything wrong and insists that he and the horse had a stable relationship.