Michael Jackson was taken to the hospital.  The maternity ward was immediately put on lockdown.

Kobe Bryant decided to take a pass on terminating the final two years of his contract. It's the first time in his career he's ever passed anything.

...Baghdad has opened its first Ben & Jerry's ice cream store.  The most popular flavor is Iraqi Road.  A delicious combination of chocolate ice cream, with nuts, marshmallows, and schrapnel. 

If a dermatologist is the real father of Michael Jacksons' kids,it could change the whole complexion of custody proceedings. 

Jessica Simpson will launch her second fragrance, "Fancy Love," which is inspired by her boyfriend -- quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys -- Tony Romo. It smells like Tony Romo, yes.

The new perfume is described as smelling like jasmine, rose, jock itch, Bengay, and the Dallas Cheerleaders. 

Dutch-Born Super-Model Karen Mulder was arrested in Paris, France for allegedly threatening her plastic surgeon.

Even though I think it's horrible for someone to threaten another human being with bodily harm.

After seeing what this plastic surgeon did to poor Karen Mulder I think she was totally justified.

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Frankly, I'm not really sure who should get custody of the kids-- Madonna or Angelina Jolie.

Billy Mays here for OxiMoron! 

Stubborn stains can make a pretty ugly mess of your household fabrics..  Not anymore!  Removing stains just got easier.  Just apply OxiMoron and watch that stain grow smaller and smaller, then virtually disappear.

Need help removing a Hot chili stain? No problem, use OxiMoron.

Fried ice cream, OxiMoron!

Jumbo shrimp, OxiMoron!

You will be terribly pleased with the great results.  OxiMoron even works on that expensive sleeveless T-shirt you bought last summer, or on your real polyester bedroom curtains.  It also works great on the surface of your authentic replica, plastic silverware.

We are not nearly finished!  It even works on rubber cement, non-alcoholic beer, and that vegetable beef soup your uninvited guest spilled last night.

You can spend a small fortune on household cleaners, but you won't.  Not until you unleash the power of OxiMoron!

Whats the difference between nursing homes and prisons?

People Visit Prisons.

I love girlscout cookies.

but I cant figure out how to buy them from 500 Feet.